So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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