Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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