my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
