YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
