God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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