Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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