Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
