i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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