I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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