I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
My cat gives me a boner
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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