god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
