I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
