yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
