i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
