K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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