I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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