Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
