i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
