There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
