Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
