I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
