Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
