What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
