Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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