What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
