i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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