Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
