ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I believe in your delicious
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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