I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
