If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
