You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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