i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
