Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
