He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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