I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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