chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
