So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He? As in you personified your dick?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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