I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
