Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
