By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You should frame my arrest warrant.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
