if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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