so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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