Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
