oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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