In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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