bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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