ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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