I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
