Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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