his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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