She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
